


I Don't Want To Be Here, Alone

by Anneyy



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s04e15 Deception, F/M, Forbidden Love, Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-16 00:11:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18509953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anneyy/pseuds/Anneyy
Summary: Perhaps dreaming is a fascinating concept. They constantly think of what could be done, but they could never do. How do you end something that barely began?Before and After 'Deception' (4x15). SPOILERS for that episode.





	I Don't Want To Be Here, Alone

~

He imagined himself holding her in his arms, the wind caressing their bodies. It was too simple, too mundane of a life he knew he wouldn’t find fulfilment in.

But Satine. Satine was all that mattered to him aside from the Order. A constant struggle between his beliefs and his emotions.

They were in a war, they couldn’t just abandon the men. He couldn't do that to Anakin, Ashoka… Cody and Rex. He couldn’t be that selfish. How could he? This is war, a war called for sacrifice… war called for valiant men to fight for there cause and he was a soldier. He had a duty to his Order and to all his men; soldiers that fight alongside him.

Yet, he also had a duty for himself. To find purpose more than a stupid war.

His hands cradled his head as the thoughts throbbed through his skull. What did he have to gain from this war? If lucky, his two arms and two legs and maybe nothing more than a prize medal and a few worthy scars.

_Blast, what am I supposed to do?_

_There was nothing to do_ he bitterly answered, he and Satine were halfway across the Galaxy, never meeting each other unless it was to protect her. And there was a code he had to follow.

The _kriffing_ code.

 _Why does it matter?_ Obi-Wan mentally cursed himself for saying that. The Jedi code, it always mattered for him. In his training, in Anakin's training-

Anakin.

But Anakin, he broke it all the time. Going rouge, always defying the code. And… having a wife.  How’d they do it?

How did they do it?

The thoughts within him, seemed to be circulating over and over again: how?

 _What does it matter?_ He scoffed. There was no use in fantasising when there was no hope. No use, no purpose. And she could have another one… she should have another person who doesn’t have commitments to a sacred practice. Someone who would treat her right.

The thought of Satine having someone else being there for her, kissing her and _touching_ her was unsettling, to say the least. But he had no anger attached, no sudden urge to run to her side and save her. It… wasn’t fair for her. She needed someone who would stay, not run off every time there was a war.

She deserved better than him. He knew it and he was sure she did too.

Perhaps she did have someone now, someone who could satisfy her needs and her wants. Someone that would always be there for her when she needed a shoulder to cry on.

He found himself sitting content in his room, smiling to himself in being so stupid. The smiles turned into a peal of slightly hysterical laughter before he wrapped himself with his arms, heaving a heavy sigh with a weighted feeling on his heart. He knew that he lov- there was a _kriffing_ code for a reason. There is no reason why he should feel so love driven, so attached to someone he doesn’t see. He doesn’t- he shouldn’t feel this way. _Kriff_ , he shouldn’t.

He shouldn’t at all.

Heaving a sigh, his body physically aching from the mission days before and mentally throbbing from the emotions that constantly ran through his head. He forced himself up just before his Comm rang on his right arm, flashing green before answering it.

“Yes, Master?”

“Details we discussed in the prior hour, make sure you reveal this to no-one, not even Skywalker. Yoda’s voice requested. “Do what must be done, Obi-Wan. Danger is imminent, lives at stake.”

Kenobi bit his bottom lip before exhaling a long breath.“I know what has to be done, Master.”

“Very well. Master Kenobi. Meeting now, there is. Fellow Jedi must be informed of the situation but reveal nothing of our plan.”

“Understood.” As he turned off his Comm.  

He could only hope that they would forgive him. He would only hope that the people he cared about wouldn’t see this as another lie. Anakin would understand but Satine…she wouldn’t.

 _I’m so sorry._   

_Forgive me, my dear. I hope you can forgive me._

~

For the first time in months, she thought about him. _Him,_ out of everybody that she would have thought of, it was him. She mentally kicked herself for allowing her thoughts to wander back to those majestic blue eyes and slim face. The tension that was building in her stomach quickly rose, the arousal made physical as the man above her seemed to take notice, taking full advantage of it.

 _Oh, how ironic. It wasn’t even because of him._ Satine dryly thought. She tried to convincingly respond back, gripping his neck and pulling him down for another intoxicating kiss.  

But they weren’t his lips.

She pulled away from him as she flinched slightly. The emotions inside her stirring as she gave out a strangled cry. _Nothing could beat this,_ She wearily thought.

The man above her gave a fleeting groan as he pulled out to finish before rolling off of her. Satine did the same, turning to the side with the hot air muddled in the room and her naked body clinging to the sheets. She could see the scattered clothes and the open window that allowed the wind to enter the room.

Kenobi.

She knew that he was always going to be the one that she loves, always. Nothing had changed, even with the number of men that come swooning at her feet, trying to get her in bed; nothing would be compared to him. In few rare occasions, she would take one of the many men into bed, enjoying herself as much as she could before her thoughts of the Jedi came flooding back. Satine had tried to push it aside, tried to relieve herself of the heartbreak that was Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Even through her feisty moans and yearning breath of being in bed with other Mandalorian men, she could never forget Obi-Wan. Her laboured breathing and her euphoria didn’t allow her to forget who she truly loves. She did try…try to move on from him. Even when she buried herself in work or buried herself- in her more shameful hours- in men, they all failed to satisfy her. None of them was allowed to burrow themselves into her heart because there was already someone there.

Satine heaved a sigh, picking up her robe to go to the balcony. The calm city of Sundari with its beautiful architecture, in no way, reflecting the feelings within her small body. _So much for being a pacifist_ , She silently thought. Glancing behind to see the man that she was sleeping with moments ago. _Blond and… not her type._ She scoffed to herself. She was obsessed with one man. _One man! This is insane!_ Why couldn’t she just move on?

She would be lying to herself if there weren’t nights that she would enjoy herself within it, play into whatever fantasy that she could concoct. Allowing herself to let go and realise into someone else, another man nonetheless. She would be lying to herself if she didn’t enjoy the late night giggles and the morning sex that she could receive with equally- if not more- interesting men.

But it was all fake.

All of it.

It was nothing new of a charade that she could play.

They weren’t the blue eyes, bearded man that could make her heart sing harmonies. The man that was so emotionless yet full of passion. She snaked her arms around her body, a nagging feeling in her chest as she allowing herself to mourn for the man she lost many years ago.  

She heard a slight knock and she quickly wrapped herself up with her robe. “What is it?”

A pale man stuck his head in. “Apologies Duchess for disturbing you at such a late hour.”

“I was just getting to bed, not late at all Kryken.” She bit her lip as she glanced at the man in her bed before pushing him out of his thoughts. “What is it?”

“There is an incoming call for you.”  

“Thank you, I-I will see to it.” The door shut as she momentarily closing her eyes to plaster another fake mask over her eyes. She clipped her bra back on whilst also putting on other items of clothing. Her blond hair descending down the side of her face, she brushed it aside as she quietly closed the door behind her.

“Who is it from?” She asked, her heart heavy and her soul seemed to be yearning for sleep.

“Senator Amidala, Duchess.”

“Very well,” She said, turning to Kryken. Her eyes tired even with the small smile plastered on her face.

Duchess? Are you alright?” Kryken asked lightly.

“Yes perfectly alright. If you don’t mind, I’d like to take the call myself. You should head to bed, I’ll call you if anything urgent comes up.”

“As you say,” He bowed and exited the room.

Satine watched as the door closed, her eyes shutting themselves trying to come to terms with the reality that was in front of her.

“Padmè, do you know the hour you have called?” Satine greeted her friend with a tired smile. She looked up at the blue image of her friend but instead of being greeted with a smile, her friend's face was filled with grief. “What’s wong?” Her heart pounded in her chest, as a shaky hand extended to touch the monitor.

“Satine- I’m so sorry.” Padmè blue faced projection looked down, grief-stricken. “I’m so sorry, Satine but… but…Obi-Wan-”

 _Please, please don’t say it._ Satine pleaded, _Say it isn’t true._ “Is he alright?”

“Obi-Wan’s dead.”

She felt her heart drop to her stomach, acid consuming it within her. This- this couldn’t be happening. Could it? The back of her neck went cold even amongst Mandalore's comfortable temperature. Dread punching her in the stomach and weighing on her heart. Obi-Wan couldn’t be dead.   

“I’m sorry Satine. I know you two were friends.”

 _Friends,_ Satine scoffed. “I-I… Thank you for informing me. Padmè.” What could she say to Padmè? Would she afford to lose her respect to her dear friend? What good would that bring? She couldn’t show any emotion, no-one knew about her feelings… her feelings about _him._

Ben’s…dead.

 _No, No!_  

“His funeral is tomorrow, I was wondering-”

“I’ll be there” Satine whispered, _I’ll be there my love._ “I’ll be there Padmè, it’s the least I can do to repay him back for the things he has done for me.”  

“Yet again, I’m so sorry. I thought it was best for you to be informed like this instead… of through tabloids and articles. I am so sorry Satine.”

“It was quite alright. me and Obi-Wan we… were just friends. He was my protector and…” Her voice faltered, as the cracks in her heart extended themselves, seeping further down. “I owe him everything, without him, I would not be alive.”

“I see… I’m so sorry Satine. I-I will see you tomorrow.”

“Indeed you will. Good night Padmé.”

“Likewise, Satine.”

The monitor rang shut, as she collapsed beside it. Her vision blurry as her heart throbbed in her chest. She forced her eyes shut before tears trailed down her face, her wild emotions finally catching up with her as her small body convulsed in pain and anger. Her tiny hand clamped on top of her mouth to prevent herself from sobbing out loud, her heart aching in her ribcage, drowning in a sea of misery that was laid out before her. She finally let out a wail in anguish before clamping her hand over her mouth, again. Pulling her legs closer to her chest, as she laid on the stone cold floor of her palace.

 _Why?_ Why him?

_“Had you said the word, I would’ve left the Jedi Order.”_

And why didn’t she ask him to stay?  Satine knew why she would not force him to choose between his duty and her. Choking back another sob, she bit her bottom lip hard enough to taste iron leaking from the cut.

_It would’ve been selfish to ask him to stay._

And her only regret was that she didn’t ask.

_ni karatayli gar darasuum, ner darasuum cyar’ika._

_I always will._

[]

 

**Author's Note:**

> thoughts? i'm not sure which direction to go in afterwards. 
> 
> Mando'a translations: 
> 
> ni karatayli gar darasuum: i love you. lit: i hold you in my heart forever 
> 
> ner darasuum cyar’ika: lit: my eternal sweetheart


End file.
